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Rekindle the Spark – Fall in Love with Your Partner Again

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Life’s hustle and bustle can sometimes dim the flame, but with intentional efforts, you can rekindle the spark with your partner again.

Turn towards each other

In “The Science of Trust“, Dr Gottman emphasises the importance of couples turning towards each other to reignite passion and love. Building emotional attunement is a key element in maintaining a strong connection, especially during disagreements. Instead of being defensive, we should demonstrate empathy. Effective communication involves expressing feelings in a positive context – focusing on needs rather than what is not needed.  For example, instead of saying “why are you always not admitting your wrongs?”, a partner can reframe that comment to “what I need is for you to acknowledge your wrong and apologize.” This way of expressing your need to your partner works far better than using criticising statements.

Pay Attention

A simple statement such as “Oh I noticed that you put on a new lipstick colour today and I think you look nice in the colour!” or, “I noticed you went for a haircut today, and you are looking fresh!” can show that you are paying attention to your partner.

Giving attention can happen in different ways and forms.  It may also involve setting aside distractions and actively listening to your partner, engaging in a meaningful exchange of views, thoughts, and feelings. Turning towards each other also includes pausing and clarifying during a conversation. According to Dr Gottman, the purpose of pausing is to think about your partner. In his concept of the Sound Relationship House, the first foundational level speaks about building love maps – knowing and understanding the different important aspects of your partner’s life.  Check in if your partner recently faced a situation that has left them feeling troubled or upset. Being aware of your partner’s troubles is crucial to identifying the best way to support them.

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is one essential factor in rekindling passion in the marriage. In the midst of our busy and stressful lives, it is crucial to prioritise and schedule time for intimacy. The build-up for sexual intimacy begins with the day to day. Spending quality time with each other and increasing affectionate touch plays a vital role in rekindling passion. Make time for a variety of activities that bring both partners pleasure – holding hands, hugging, kissing, or even giving foot, back and shoulder rubs often. Physical connection with each other releases oxytocin which provides calmness and lowers the levels of the stress hormones cortisol.

You may also want to change the approach of initiating sexual intimacy.  You can start by learning to initiate sex or pursuing your partner more often instead of distancing yourself or avoiding intimacy.  Use affirmative words on your partner, such as “you are so beautiful to me”.  Steer clear of mundane topics such as chores or work-related issues. These everyday matters might just put a damper on the enchanting atmosphere you’re aiming for.

Stay curious and explore new ways of bringing pleasure to each other and take them as opportunities to know each other better. Take a break from usual routines and try various kind of sex from gentle and loving-tender to intimate and highly erotic sex.

As a quote from Lao Tzu says, “The journey of a thousand miles begin with one step.” With each step that you take daily, you will experience what it means to fall in love with your partner again.

If you would like to speak to a counsellor, reach out to us via [email protected] or call us at 62355229. We provide free counselling for couples.  Alternatively, approach CPH Online Counselling services for live web chat counselling (live chat), phone counselling (arranged through live chat) and email counselling at https://www.cphonlinecounselling.sg/hc/en-us


Written by: Sharlene Teo, Marriage Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services