Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are potentially traumatic events that occur during childhood and can profoundly shape one’s emotional, psychological, and relational development. These experiences—ranging from emotional neglect and domestic violence to parental separation and substance abuse—often have long-term consequences on mental health, attachment styles, and interpersonal functioning.  One example that brings these impacts to life is Sunny’s story. Sunny’s experience highlights how unresolved childhood trauma can continue to affect adult relationships, particularly intimate ones. At the same time, it also shows that with the right support and understanding, healing and growth are possible.

Case Overview

Sunny, a 30-year-old man currently going through a painful divorce, sought counselling after feeling emotionally numb and overly self-critical. During sessions, he reflected on a childhood marked by violence and instability. His father—an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic—dominated the household, while his mother, overwhelmed by her own trauma, was unable to offer emotional safety or protection. In response, Sunny developed survival strategies centred on emotional suppression and a constant need to “be good” in order to avoid conflict.

Impact of ACEs on Sunny’s Marital Relationship

The patterns formed during Sunny’s childhood deeply influenced his adult relationships. His marriage echoed his early family dynamics—his partner was emotionally distant and critical, which Sunny internalised as personal failure. In moments of conflict, he would emotionally withdraw, mirroring the “freeze” response he developed as a child. This made it difficult for him to express his needs or set boundaries—challenges commonly seen in individuals with high ACE scores.

Sunny also carried a deep sense of unworthiness and self-blame, rooted in his early experiences. He interpreted his partner’s emotional coldness not as her limitation, but as confirmation of his inadequacy. “I think I always knew it wouldn’t work… but I wanted to try harder,” he shared—revealing a pattern of over-functioning and people-pleasing, often adopted by children from chaotic homes in an effort to gain approval or maintain control, even at the expense of their own well-being.

Attachment and Emotional Regulation

ACEs can significantly shape attachment styles, and Sunny’s experience reflected traits of an anxious-avoidant pattern. He often swung between emotional withdrawal and a deep longing for connection, struggling to manage relational discomfort. His ability to regulate emotions was also affected—he described “switching off” or feeling “numb” when overwhelmed, which made it difficult to express his feelings or resolve conflict—essential for healthy intimacy.

The Counselling Process

In counselling sessions, Sunny is beginning to reconnect with his emotions and recognise that his current behaviours once served as coping strategies in a difficult environment. This growing awareness is helping him shift his self-perception—from someone who is “emotionally unavailable” or “too sensitive” to someone who learned to protect himself the only way he knew how. Counselling offers a safe, supportive space where his feelings are acknowledged and respected, allowing him to develop healthier ways of relating to both himself and others.

Conclusion

Sunny’s story is a reminder of how early childhood trauma can quietly shape the way we relate to others later in life. ACEs often leave individuals grappling with trust issues, emotional dysregulation, and internalised shame—barriers to form healthy, close relationships. Yet, with counselling support, these patterns can be recognised, challenged, and gradually transformed. As Sunny learns to approach himself with greater kindness and confidence, he begins to lay the foundation for future relationships rooted in safety, authenticity, and mutual respect.

If you’re looking to address your past hurt, seek emotional support for yourself or your loved ones, reach out to us via [email protected] or call us at 62355229.  Our experienced counsellors are here to help you develop healthier interpersonal relationships and support you in the healing journey from your past hurt and pain. 

Written by: Chan Earng Han, Lead Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services