How Can Parents Protect Their Children from the Emotional Harm of Divorce?
In 2023, over 50% of divorces in Singapore involved at least one child below the age of 21. There were 7118 marriages that ended in divorce in 2023, that’s more than 3559 divorces involving a child under the age of 21.
Divorce is a painful life-event for both parents and children. Children are exposed not only to parental separation, but also inter-parental conflicts. These can have profound effects on their development in their formative years. Research shows that 25% of children from divorced families have serious emotional, social and psychological problems, compared to 10% of children from non-divorced families (Kelly & Emery, 2003). In Singapore, mental health experts have observed an increasing number of children suffering from depression and other mental health conditions (Low, 2023). Adverse childhood experience resulted from parental separation may set the stage for mental and physical health problems later in children’s life (Gan, 2024). As parents, witnessing their child’s pain during a divorce can be heart-wrenching.
Who is responsible for protecting their children from the emotional harm of divorce? What can each parent do to protect their children? The choices parents make and the actions they take can significantly impact their children – be it their sense of security, self-esteem, confidence, relationships and overall well-being.
Here are few strategies that parents can consider protecting their children from the emotional harm of divorce.
Strategy 1: Prioritize an open and honest communication with the child
One of the most crucial steps parents can take is to support honest, open, and age-appropriate communication with their children. Children often are sensitive enough to know when things are not right between parents. Secrecy or avoidance can increase their anxiety. It is important that parents provide children with clear explanations about what is going on without overwhelming them with unnecessary details of adult conflicts. Parents need to assure and reassure their children of their love and care for them.
Strategy 2: Permission to feel
Children need a safe space where they feel safe to express their emotions. Parents should encourage children to express their feelings. Listen to them without judgement. They may feel sad, angry, resentful, ashamed, confused or even guilty, blaming themselves for the divorce. Attune, empathise and validate these emotions. Offer a safe space and be a safe person for them to prevent them from internalizing negative feelings. It is highly recommended that parents enrol their children in divorce-related programmes such as Children of Divorce Intervention Programme (CODIP). CODIP helps children reduce the stress of parental divorce for children and teach them skills to cope with its challenges. For more information, see Children of Divorce Intervention Programme (CODIP) | Family Assist (msf.gov.sg)
Strategy 3: Provide stability and routine
Research supports the idea that children can function relatively well in two households after a divorce. However, parents must adopt an attitude of sharing and co-operation to help their children handle a regular and consistent transition between two homes. When that happens, children can relax and feel calm as they move back and forth between homes on a schedule that flows with the routines of the family. This sense of stability gives children a sense of predictability and counterbalances the uncertainty of divorce. It is recommended that parents develop a parenting plan in consultation with each other, based on children’s needs and interest and use it as a guide in caring for them.
Strategy 4: Promote peace
When parents divorce, children hope the fighting will go away so that they can have some peace in their lives. Research suggests that children have the hardest time when parents remain in high conflict after the divorce. When conflicts worsen, children are left with many wounds – confusion, loyalty conflicts, cognitive distortions etc. It is important that parents promote peace with each other by minimizing conflict between them. Some steps parents can take include
Not bad-mouthing the other parent
Improve communication with the other parent
Not involving their children in parental conflict
Present a united front when it comes to parenting decisions.
Support their children’s relationship with the other parent.
Strategy 6: Prioritize self-care
One author said, “Divorce is an end and a beginning”. She added that parents can’t help their children until they’ve thought about themselves and care for themselves.” So, it is important for parents to gain control of their emotions and take care of their own well-being. Engage in self-care practices such as mindfulness, be kind and compassionate to themselves. Be connected to a healthy social network for support such as Transcending Divorce Support Group. See https://go.fycs.org/TDSGsignup
Consider new pathways for personal growth and self-development. By so doing, you are also modelling for your children healthy coping mechanism.
Every child’s experience of divorce is unique. It is important for parents to be patient, understanding, and supportive. By adopting these strategies, parents can help their children navigate the emotional challenges of divorce and protect them from its emotional harm. That they may emerge stronger and more resilient in the face of parental divorce.
Written by: Veronica Ng, Snr Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
If you are going through a divorce and would like emotional support for yourself or your children, reach out to us via [email protected] or call us at 62355229. We provide free counselling and support group programmes for divorcing families.
Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 52(4), 352–362.
Low, Youjin. (2024, April 26). 1 in 3 adolescents report depression, anxiety but only 10% of parents can spot mental health issues: NUS-led study. Today.
Gan, Eveline. (2024, April 13). How abuse, parents’ divorce and living with mentally unwell persons can affect a child’s lifelong health and relationships. Today.
