I watched Stephanie look at Joseph with lots of affection. It was her birthday, and Joseph had surprised her with a framed picture of their recent trip to Turkey. Stephanie reached out and gave him a hearty hug.
It is a completely different story when they first started their sessions 6 months ago. They were on the verge of divorce. Both were emotionally exhausted and had reached the stage of marriage burnout.
Marriage burnout is a state where a couple is emotionally and physically exhausted with each other. The couple no longer has romantic feelings for each other and are so overwhelmed by the demands of the relationship that all they want is to give it all up.
So, what causes marriage burnout?
Stressful life transitions: the loss of a job, which can lead to financial difficulties; health issues; or the demand for caring for children can put strain on relationships.
Unresolved conflicts: Lingering disagreements or arguments can erode trust and intimacy.
Lack of communication: Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
Unmet expectations: When one or both partners feel that their needs or desires are not being met.
“Our expectations of our partner have never been so high”, said Esther Perel, the renowned American Psychotherapist. On one hand, we want our partner to provide the security, children, property, and respectability found in a traditional family. On the other hand, we want to “marry our best friend”; we want a confidant with whom we should be able to tell everything. Where did we get such idealistic expectations? It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all our emotional needs, when this should come from a network of friends, family members and colleagues. We need to break this idealism of marriage.
Let’s look at what Stephanie and Joseph committed to when they decided to seek counselling support after detecting the chronic stress in their relationship.
They agreed and learnt to adopt an honest and open communication of their expectations on various issues.
They acknowledged their negative emotions and perspective of each other and adopt time-out techniques to de-escalate tensions.
They devised a plan to share their household chores and parenting responsibilities, and regularly evaluate the plan to accommodate changes in their lives.
Individually, they practise self-care strategies by going for exercise, and relaxation activities.
They learnt to build supportive relationships in their respective family and friends.
Working through difficult conversations in an emotionally space in counselling and applying Stephanie and Joseph overcame their marital fatigue and rekindled the passion in their marriage. Their love bank is re-filled and overflow with love deposits today.
If you’re looking to strengthen your marital relationship and need counselling support, reach out to any FAM@FSC Centre. Our experienced counsellors are here to help you build a stronger, more loving relationship that benefits both you and your children.
Written by: Isabelle Ng, Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
Nejatian, M., Alami, A., Momeniyan, V. et al.Investigating the status of marital burnout and related factors in married women referred to health centers.BMC Women’s Health21, 25 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12905-021-01172-0
